Archive for the ‘Beachwear’ Category


It is a universally acknowledged truth that there are some who should and some who shouldn’t…


Here are a few pointers to settle this dilemma once and for all from your friendly Beach Bum’s guide to pleasure and fantasy :

if you eat anything more than one single lettuce leaf for lunch you are undoubtedly too voluptuous to even consider slipping into that winsome two piece

if you in any way resemble a folded ironing board when stood up then yes a bikini is probably for you..if you resemble the unfolded ironing board and/or basket of ironing then ..no

would two miniscule  triangles of fabric and a handkerchief make you feel overdressed …then a micro bikini is for you..if you are considering wearing the sails of a  seagoing yacht as a coverup then possibly not..

if your skin resembles in any way the leathery lustre of a Bottega veneta handbag or the tooled tile hide of a Komodo dragon ..think seriously about how good it will look set against the tiniest slip of smooth stretched fabric…

and the inky caress of a tatooists thrilling art might also look at odds with all that is swathed in sweaters in our normal climes…Beware oh beware the lures of the bold and the brilliant….the daring do of a mad moment in time ..so long , sarong …just do what makes you happy…


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Rigourous Tummy control is a must!

Faced with the trim and toned youthful silhouettes of the young I am conscious that one must seek out bathing wear of a particularly structured and masterful nature.Pert buttocks and dewey doe eyed amazons parade their supple loveliness wherever you look.One is faced with a veritable mountain range of buttocks ,diced and sliced with a multitude of strings and slithers of  taunting fabric triangles .And that is just the females .On the male front imagine a stable of fulsome muscle eased provocatively into a pouting pouch of Lycra ..where have all the Villebrequin swimming shorts gone.?

Sculpture and Scaffold

Thus one is faced with the question of how to walk the leisure line of beach sophistication and get the body out gracefully. Some mystery fabric with the qualities of discipline and control has masterfully come to my rescue in the swimming costume line.At first I wondered what an earth it could be and having wrestled womanfully with its microfibres I know now what it is all about: a costume which can pretty much hold you all together in some semblance of order once you are stripped down to the essentials for baring the body unbeautiful body for beachside action. A lifetime of wanton indulgence ,hedonistic excess and  a great deal of fine dining means you pay the price in terms of svelte silhouette. So tell me a tale of tummy control : strap me down and out with your teflon tendrils and contorted creepers and make this Jane a Tarzan.

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